I run down Nebraska every day
Cross Purdue and Colby and Federal
Stop for a breather at Barrington
And pick my way across the lumpy
Root-risen ground by the skate park.
And I wonder, if I ran this route
One million times
Would the sidewalk even know?
Surely, yes.
Each time my foot strikes the cement
It leaves an impression
A thousandth of a millimeter-
A quick kiss in the concrete.
So if I ran this every day
For the next 1,000 years
You would know,
Right?
Hm. Maybe not.
It could be the other way around.
The sidewalk leaves
A thousandth of a millimeter
Impression
On the sole of my shoe
With every lung-burning, stomach-churning
Stride that I take.
Until one day,
I need new shoes.
Poetry
Don’t Pick Up
PoetryWhen you call someone And they don't pick up, Aren't there just two reactions? Relief or frustration. Some people I am just calling Because I think that is what I'm supposed to do. And if they don't pick up, it's like a win Because they can at least see that I tried - I tried to connect with you, but you didn't pick up. So it's not my fault. And I don't have to have a phone conversation, Which can be exhausting and alienating. So I'm relieved. But some people I call Because I've been thinking about them for days. I've been thinking about what they would say In this moment. I've been thinking about what they wouldn't say, too. I'm calling you because I've been trying to be your voice But I am not your voice. I've been trying to not need you. So I call you. And on the third or fourth ring, I imagine you Glancing down at your phone And hitting the button that makes your phone stop ringing Without making it seem like you ignored my call. Hi you've reached Danny, I can't take your call right now— I thought we were going to talk. I think about the conversation we would have had. I think about all the people I haven't picked up for.
Tired
PoetryLast night I had a dream
Where I was in the Olympics,
Repping the U.S.
In breath holding.
I was in a pool with an attendant
Who would accompany me under water.
First round - the warm up.
The attendant attaches
A small weight
To my waist
And I sink about three feet
Underwater.
I am holding my breath.
In my dream
I am holding my breath.
The panicked pressure starts to build
Like a lead balloon inflating
In my chest.
All I can think about is
Taking a breath.
I tap the attendant
And he cuts the weight
And we swim to the pool surface.
And I take an indulgent breath.
Second round - I know
I have to hold it longer.
I take big, heaving breaths
I feel the attendant
Fasten a larger weight
Around my waist.
3 - 2 - 1
A loud beep and for a split second
I see the bottom of the pool open up
To reveal a deeper level.
The attendant and I sink
Now about nine feet underwater.
I am holding my breath
And staring at the twinkling, blurry blue
Around me.
Willing myself not to think
About oxygen.
I tell myself breathing is an option
And so is pain.
It is not required.
Until it is.
I tap the attendant
After what feels like a crushing eternity
And we swim to the surface.
I am already a little disappointed
I didn’t hold it for longer.
And I am tired.
So tired.
I wake up this morning
And drudge through my day
Tired.
So tired.
The Antidote
PoetryWhy am I so hard on you?
Because I am hard on me.
And me doesn’t like to hear it from me,
Doesn’t like to believe it could be me.
So me puts it on you.
I put it on you
Like a dark cloak
Made of mud and gum
And melting molasses.
“Why is she like that?
Why can’t she just stand up for herself?
Why is she so insecure?
She’s just doing it for attention.
She’s pathetic.
I hate that she’s like that.”
I hate that I am like that.
But I am trying to be
More impeccable with my word.
Inflict no harm with my thoughts and speech.
Communicate with the intention of love.
Murder the fear
That has wallpapered my mind
For too long.
Because when I think those thoughts about you
I am poisoning us both.
Love, forgiveness, and empathy
Are the antidote.
Dissolved
PoetryWhen I try to put my mind around you
It’s like dropping a sugar cube
Into water.
I just want to taste your point of view.
I want your sweetness to stain my perspective.
But it’s totally not fair
To use you like that.
Because what do you get out of it?
Dissolved?
Still, cube after cube
In they go.
Until it’s not sugar dissolved in water.
It’s sugar absorbing water.
It’s not even water. It’s just you.
Trash Day
PoetryYou are my Wednesday.
You are the metal clang,
And the slams that echo in the alley
At six in the fucking morning.
You are the sour, dour odor
That sighs over the neighborhood.
You are all the things I don’t need
All the carrot stems and fish skins,
And salted tissues.
You are on your way out
But you will be back in a week
To take more things from me
That I decided I don’t need.
It’s not what you say
PoetryIt's not what you say, It's what you don't. What are we doing here? Was that another year? I'm sorry I can't decide. I'm sorry I need your time. I'm just afraid of making that leap. I'm just, afraid. I know that you would be relieved If I told you that I believed In people's ability to change And gracefully rearrange All of the habits we have grown In false secrets we don't own. But I don't think I believe. I cannot give you that reprieve. Not yet - at least... My dear, My soul feels full, this year. And I am trying to see it To feel it and to breathe it. To want what I've got And not pine after what's not Mine or not going to be Mine for eternity. Okay, I think that's enough My now, my comfort, my love.
The night I met you
PoetryMidge and I had taken some mushrooms. She was preoccupied with a jar of peanut butter And I was moving on the grassy dance floor, Sneaking sips of vodka-Redbull from behind the DJ booth. I knew the DJ. I think he liked me In a cute, early 2000s movie kind of way. At the office, he would show me music, Tell me how surprised he was to find out I smoked cigarettes. And we would blush wildly At the red-hot silence that squatted in between warm, flighty conversations. I still get a little nervous thinking about it. You came up to me and asked if I wanted to dance. It felt like just us— Except for moments when I caught the DJ's eyes He watched us dance, moving closer and closer. The night I met you, I had already given away a few pieces of my heart Slowly and carefully, wrapped in light pink tissue paper Tinged with cigarette burns. But you came in and took it, Unwrapped it, And started to give pieces back to me.
My grandpa told me…
PoetrySweet. Woody. Smokey. Lint. That is how he always smelled. Each visit ended with a hug That got looser and bonier Until it got tight and shaky, Clinging to small moments As time pulled at the hems of his khakis. My grandpa told me He had dreams about touring the universe In a plastic lawn chair. He’d grip the sun-beaten armrests As the chair maneuvered through planets And soared through the star-spotted abyss. My grandpa told me Two men came to his family’s small home And told them they had 30 minutes to pack Everything they wanted to bring to the camps Because they were Japanese And they were dangerous. My grandpa told me You should always eat buckwheat noodles Because they’re good for your heart. My grandpa told me After he stated his name The farm owner said, “That’s too hard. I’m just gonna call you Dickey.” My grandpa told me To “go on” and join the dancing women At the Obon Festival Who moved in undulating circles In white silk kimonos Embroidered with red flowers. My grandpa told me He found his younger sister Lying half-drowned, face-down in a drainage ditch On the edge of the farm in Arkansas. My grandpa told me To wait. As I stood on a small beach on Lake Hodges With a plastic, neon purple fishing rod And learned to love fishing For the waiting. My grandpa told me, “You don’t let anyone push you around, okay? Be tough. Okay?” And clutched me to his disappearing frame. I said “Okay.” Not knowing that bent reflections of his past Had allowed him to see the future.
I have to believe you’re here
Poetry, UncategorizedToday We put strings of butterflies On your bench. It just so happened That a single monarch Crossed the trail And lingered for a bit As we made our way down the sandy path. I wish I had talked to you more. I wish I had known you better. You were always kind of like A half-mom, A taken-for-granted, Taken-for-normal Presence in my life. Like the sunshine Or the leaves. Things have been tough since you left. Daughter. Husband. Adopted son. Fragmented by the absence. I have to believe you are here Holding them all In arms made of gardenias And wind. I have to believe you are here. Is it karma? Is there a lesson? I have watched people wither away Over losing someone who was not half the person You are. I have to believe you are here.
