Last night I had a dream
Where I was in the Olympics,
Repping the U.S. 
In breath holding.

I was in a pool with an attendant
Who would accompany me under water.

First round - the warm up. 

The attendant attaches
A small weight 
To my waist 
And I sink about three feet
Underwater.

I am holding my breath.
In my dream
I am holding my breath.

The panicked pressure starts to build 
Like a lead balloon inflating 
In my chest.
All I can think about is 
Taking a breath.

I tap the attendant 
And he cuts the weight
And we swim to the pool surface.
And I take an indulgent breath.

Second round - I know
I have to hold it longer.

I take big, heaving breaths 
I feel the attendant 
Fasten a larger weight
Around my waist.

3 - 2 - 1
A loud beep and for a split second
I see the bottom of the pool open up
To reveal a deeper level.

The attendant and I sink 
Now about nine feet underwater.

I am holding my breath 
And staring at the twinkling, blurry blue
Around me.
Willing myself not to think 
About oxygen. 

I tell myself breathing is an option
And so is pain.

It is not required. 

Until it is.

I tap the attendant
After what feels like a crushing eternity
And we swim to the surface.

I am already a little disappointed
I didn’t hold it for longer.
And I am tired.
So tired.

I wake up this morning
And drudge through my day 
Tired. 

So tired.